Alright, it’s the last day of school,
before summer break Everybody’s screwing off
for the last few hours of the school year Your teacher’s sitting there
and smokin’ a cigarette She’s pissed off, she’s gonna lose
the paycheck for the next three months “Yeah, I hope you little
assholes have a good vacation!” “Now I have to supplement my income by being
a waitress at a goddamn Applebee’s all summer long” But you didn’t care about her problems All you cared about was freedom “Oh my God! We’re gonna do so much stuff!” “Think about all the stuff that we’re gonna do!” I got a huge list of stuff and things
that we’re gonna do all summer long And at the start of your summer vacation,
it’s pretty sweet You’re throwing your vortex footballs around
[glass shattering] Drinking your CapriSuns But then like 3 days go by,
all of a sudden you’re bored as hell! You did all that stuff that you had planned! And you did all the things as well Now you don’t know what to do with yourself You’re just standing there in your front yard,
staring at each other The hot-ass summer sun’s burning your pale skin “Jesus Christ! Michael, I am so sick of looking at
your stupid fuckin’ face, you know that?” “With your dumb haircut
and your stupid Scotty Pippen jersey!” “We’re done playing all your nintendo games” “And we broke all your wrestling action figures,
so now what the hell are we supposed to do?” So you get a little desperate,
you start making up games to play And those games aren’t even really games It’s just things that you
throw together, off the cuff There’s not even a point to ’em “Hey, you guys wanna play
Dodge The Cars On A Busy Intersection?” “Yeah, okay, let’s do it!” *footsteps* [Tires squealing, crash] Games, that are a little dangerous, you know,
games you couldn’t win, but you could sure as shit lose “Alright, Tommy, we’re gonna see,
how many times you can hit that beehive over there..” “.. with this hockey stick” “Let’s see if you can break the record!
The record is… zero!” “Alright, you ready?” “Hha-hah, hha-hah!
Okay, let’s do it!” *smack!* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[Bees buzzing] “Ah, man! He’s like Macaulay Culkin in My Girl!” “His glasses! He can’t see without his glasses!” Sometimes we’d go out
and we’d play in the rain That was an activity to us,
something that we looked forward to doing “Ah, sweet, it’s raining!” “Let’s go get our swimsuits on
and see how sick we can get!” “I bet I can get sicker than you!” “YOU’RE ON!” David’s already got his shirt off Michael’s somewhere drinking out of the gutter Michael was a weird kid He’d do this thing,
where he’d collect water in a garbage can lid And he’d just dump it all over himself “It’s a waterfall!” “Michael, you sick animal! What are you doing?!” “You’re gonna get typhus, or some shit!” “You backwards idiot,
what the hell is the matter with you?!” There’d be like a tornado warning on TV Somebody’s parents would be like:
“Hey, you guys being careful out there?” [Thunder, tree snaps with crack, crash] “Yeah, we’re being careful!” Sometimes, when it was raining really hard,
we would play a game, called twister No, not the game with the spinner and the dots! That your uncle would try to
make you play naked, not that one! Twister, like the movie, 1996 Bill Paxton, God rest his soul,
did some of his worst acting ever “Oh no, Helen Hunt, it’s an F5 tornado,
I’m super scared right now” We’d all fight over what characters
we were gonna be “I’m gonna be Bill Paxton!” *Pop* Well, shit, okay,
I’m gonna be Philip Seymour Hofman *Pop* “WELL, WHO THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NOW?!” “I don’t know, Michael, I guess
you’re Helen Hunt, okay? Sorry, you are a girl” “Go put a mop on your head
or some shit, I could really give a shit” “Oh, hell no, I’m not being a girl!
How about I be…” “The cow that gets sucked up by the tornado?” “A cow? You’re gonna be a cow, Michael?
Are you serious?!” *mooing* “Michael, you’re not being
a fuckin’ cow, alright?!” “Alright, I guess I’ll be.. “Alright, I guess I’ll be.. the tornado!” “How the hell are you gonna be
a tornado, Michael, are you serious?” “You know what, to hell with it,
be the tornado, I could care less” In this movie they would chase
tornadoes around in a conwoy of vans But since we were children,
we didn’t have a convoy of vans We had to use a wagon And we don’t have any tornadoes to chase So we had to use.. So we had to use..
Well, we used Michael! “AMA TORNADO!” “WWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP” “What the hell is that? What are you doing?” “Is that what a tornado sounds like to you?” “I AM AN F5 TORNADO!
WOOOOOOOOOP WOOOOP WOOOP WOOOOOP!” Our parents would be watching us from the window Wondering, where the hell
they went wrong with raising us “I’m gonna get you!
I’m gonna suck you silly!” We’d just run around the neighbourhood,
like a bunch of drunken idiots You’d come back in your house,
late at night, sopping wet “Jesus Christ! You look
like a soggy turd, you know that?” “Did you have fun out there?” “Uh.. well.. almost some, I guess” You go to your friend’s house
the next day, their parents answer the door “Can Michael come out and play?” “No, he caught pneumonia
last night, he’s dead, thanks a lot!” And that was summer vacation Sometimes you get hurt.. Sometimes you got hurt..
Sometimes you ended up dead You go back to school in the fall And the teacher is asking everybody
if they had a good summer “Yeah, we went to Mount Rushmore,
and we got a puppy!” I’m over there,
I got my arm in a sling with a black eye Looking like Mankind after a Hell in a Cell match “Well, for my summer, let’s see..
I got hit by a volkswagen..” “I got stung 47 times by a bunch of bees” “And three of my friends died from exposure” “So no, not quite as good,
as Mrs. Mount Rushmore puppies over there” https://brewstew.com Special thanks to: [These wonderful people]
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