Articles,  Blog


James: Hello! Welcome back to Cow Chop. Today we’re debuting a brand new series. J: Right now it doesn’t really have a name, but we’re gonna aptly call it the Guinness World Records J: Today we’re going to be trying to attempt to break a world record J: In a video because there’s nothing more J: Enticing in life than having an acknowledgement for doing something that no one else in the world can do. J: Well somebody did it but like we’re gonna try to do it better J: We have here a world record for smashing walnuts with your hand J: Currently the record stands at 212. The person who broke this record is J: an Indian martial artist by the name of J: Prabhakar Reddy P J: I butchered your name, but we’ll cut in footage of him actually doing the record J: We’re gonna take three attempts at this bad boy J: And we’re gonna see if we can break that motherfuckers record J: Plain and simple J: To demonstrate how this is going to work J: Three participants, I’m just going to show you the act J: That our Indian martial artist friend committed himself to doing J: Just like that. You guys want to test this out and see how it feels? Okay. Jesus you dent the table! [Trevor: That hurt yeah. I don’t wanna do this anymore] J: It might hurt. You are allowed to wear the glove. He wears the glove in the video. [Brett: Ow!] J: As you can see we are cosplaying as a- [T: I got yours! I can do yours!] [B: You gotta use this.] J: Palm! Palm! Palm strike. [T: Yikes! B: Ow.] But you have to do it fast J: We have one minute, one minute to get as many as we can. One minute. B: I thought you’re gonna break your hand as soon as the video started to be honest. J: I feel it in here. I feel it like tucked in there; I feel a little bit of pain. I’m sure when we get to the course J: It’ll- uh- it’ll be something so let’s let’s just let’s go over to the course now J: Whoo! Come on over! Aleks: Are we your active audience? Or is this like a- J: You guys are active audience and time keeper. [A: So you’re gonna– Lindsey: I’m gonna keep the time.] J: Just in case of official world record business and we actually do complete this [L: Yeah.] J: And somebody beats the record then we need it recorded and we need the timing of it to be correct. [A: Right.] J: We need all that to be 100%. A: I read like the 2006 Guinness World Record so I could probably officiate this competition here. J: You could tell whether or not– does it look like any cheating is being done here? No. A: What is it– what are you doing to me? Why are you doing this? J: He’s having a giggle he’s crying because he’s- A: Is that my dandruff? A: No I’ve been looking at these and I’ve been inspecting them. J: No please don’t! J: Not on the course. You’re getting it on the course. [A: What!?] J: Your dandruff. A: How much did you put on me?! Alright. A: Yeah, this looks good. Just fucking do this- A: I’m done with my b- [laughs] J: All right Lindsay you got countdown for for one minute right? L: Yeah, so Should I do stopwatch or- no I’ll do stopwatch and it’ll go for one minute and I’ll tell you when to stop. J: No, you’ll do a countdown because then if I don’t make it in time then you can cut me off. J: You cut me off either way, I guess. It doesn’t matter. B: You saying like 5…4…3… Yeah L: Yeah, so let me know when you’re ready. Are you mentally prepared? J: Are you doing countdown? One minute? [L: Yeah.] A: Wait why do you need a cou- do you need a count for a minute before you start? [L: It’s gonna just run.] L: 10…9…8… L: 7…6… L: 5…4…3… 2…1… [smashing] J: Okay, that’s- [James screaming] T: Hurry up! Dude, he hasn’t done anything yet. [B: -laughing-] J: It didn’t work! B: Nice work, tape. J: The tape was Lindsey’s idea. B: You can keep going. [T: Yeah. Wa-what do you mean?] J: I can’t keep going! That’s like- there’s only- I crushed like 3 of them! [T: There’s 2 on the ground.] L: You have 40 seconds. [smashing] [more screaming] B: [laughing] He hit that one like 3 times. [J: Fuck!] T: Hey, that’s cheating [even more screaming] [smashing] [wincing] B: Yeah get these ones on the table again. J: [while smashing] It hurts 🙁 B: You can’t move on from this table until you finish it. [J: OW!] [T: -laughing-] B: You gotta finish this one! J: [while shrieking] Ow! What the fuck! [laughing while James shrieks] B: James! It’s just a little walnut! J: Look man! My hand’s getting red! B: It’s just a little nut dude! J: Wow. Is that it? L: No. You have 4 seconds. J: Oh shit! L: Alright you’re done. [J: groaning] B: How are we supposed to count those? J: Well that was one table. L: [laughing] He gets the whole table cause- [J: …but not the whole table] J: Um… J: Well J: I probably got like 40? If it’s like 20 per row. J: Is that- is that fair? Referee? Is that fair? A: We’re still counting them L: Yeah, we’re gonna count them. J: You’re gonna count them? You’re gonna actually count them? [L: Yeah.] [B: We have an intern-] J: Fuck o- [congratulating James on 19 walnuts] J: 19! I’ll take 19! [T: Very impressive] Nice! J: Hey J: Going toe-to-toe with a martial artist. Hitting 19 of his 212. I think that’s a pretty good deal. [T: that’s right] J: Maybe I’ll get my own my own world record ticket L: All right. 10…9…8… [J: Ten gets scary dude.] L&A: 7…6… L: 5…4…3…2…1… go! [chaotic smashing, hitting the table, walnuts flying everywhere] J: He’s hitting the table now! He’s hitting the table!! [slower yet aggressive smashing] L: Now you gotta go down! You gotta go down! A: Now I just realized, we didn’t separate the other nuts form these nuts. [B: We didn’t.] A: There’s really no way we can know. [T: Fuck!] [James laughing] T: Ow! B: The pavement’s easier A: Trevor, you’re doing really good! [T: grunting] T: OW!! A: [laughing] That one was- [J: That’s a solid one right there!] A: It was pointing up though. T: [wincing] Fuck me. [straining punctuated by several grunts] T: Fuck. [L: 10 seconds! :)] [That looks like it hurts…] [ 🙁 ] T: Fuck me. L: Alright times up! [T: Gah] J: What is that hammer fist? T: I’m in pain. T: Ow. [J: laughing] A: Um.. [B: How are we supposed to count those?] They just kinda went everywhere. L: I don’t know. You know what this is going to have to be a post count kinda thing where whoever edits is the one that counts it. J: I’d say give him a solid 25. L: I was gonna say, I think he got a few more than you did. J: 25. B: [giggling] 6 more. [T: In pain] B: [laughing] He’s on the ground. J: He fucking flipped the table and hammer fisted the table! [B: That’s true.] [L: Oh, that was a- nice job] [clapping] A: Wow B: [laughing] Look at it, his hand is shaking. It’s all beat up. T: Tables aren’t very sturdy man. [L: Okay. 10…9…8…] L: 7…6…5… L: 4…3…2…1… [J: Ooh- Why is your skin coming off?] [T: I don’t know.] [Maniacal laughter that turns into pained “ows”] B: Aha- fucking OW! J: It’s like torture, he’s, like, torturing himself B: Ow! God fucking damn it. [Pure, unbridled agony] [Slowing down, still in pain] B: Ah- ow FUCK B: [laughing] Oh fuck, my fucking hand! J: [excitedly] Oh he got a really hard one right there! Oh my god! Two of them! J: He’s hammer fisting! [dying ape sounds] J: Martial artist didn’t hammer fist! B: Martial artist wasn’t on the ground! B: Oh, come on. Come on! [L: 10 seconds.] B: Calm down. Calm down. Precision. I’m all about precision- AH! L: 5…4…3…2…1 [James: DQ. That’s a DQ.] J: Can we see your hand? B: That was horrible! [L: I think he got the most] T: Yeah, his hand’s probably more fucked up A: Wow. That was like- J: That was like a SAW movie. [laughing] B: The number of ones that are somehow sitting up right like how does it how does it prop itself up like that? B: Get this fucking glove off B: Oh it looks okay. B: Its okay. Its just doing that like- [J: throbbing?] B: Yeah like that unintentional like collapse. B: Wow that was really something, thank you James. J: Yeah, no problem. B: Did we win? J: No, not yet. J: Now, I mean we obviously didn’t break any records, but we’re gonna take Aleks’ idea. And we’re gonna beat our own world record [T: I don’t like it] [B: He’s gonna use his head] J: All right walnuts crushed with forehead B: If you get 3, you’re 100% guaranteed. 2 is like achievable though. J: Is it bad? Does it look bad? Does it look bad? Does it look bad? B: Wow, he’s really going to town. J: I- does it look real bad? [immediate regret] [laughing] [groaning] B: That didn’t even crack it, dude. J: It didn’t break!? B: Didn’t even crack it. T: It didn’t look like much, to be honest. B: Oh my god! Look at his forehead! [T: Wow, it’s fucking] [laughing] T: Yo show your forehead James! L: Are you okay? J: It stings. L: Who’s next? [B: Right here.] T: What? No! What the hell dude. J: Why didn’t it even like crack? [An idiot causing himself more pain] T: Oh y-likes dude. Yikies. [laughing] [T: Jesus] L: He looks like his fucking character from the wrestling series! B: Hey you get yourself now? J: Did I- Did I get it? [J: Am I bleeding?] B: Yeah, you got it. [L: Yeah, you cracked it.] B: You got it good J: How many was it? One? [L: One.] JUST ONE SOLID HIT? J: Is it really red? Does it hurt? Does it hurt? Yeah it hurts. [laughing] J: Oh shit, I’m delirious now. T: Oh, it’s getting kinda swollen. J: Come on Trevor. Have a go. Just do one. T: Y’know a-actually I’m thinking about just y’know not doing that. [concussion] J: FUCK! [laughing] A: Dude just stop. [J: I’m done.] [B: The miss-cracks are brutal] J: Why is that- why are these like that? [T: [laughing] “Why are these like that” ] J: What the fuck? Where was that one? What the fuck! J: WHAT THE FUCK! J: Oh my god.. B: Just try a different nut. That was just a hard nut. You can beat your record. [B: Find a soft one.] J: I’m gonna fucking go home crying. [B: Slam your face into the whole table- ] A: Are you still timing this? L: No, I mean he didn’t have any time max. J: GOD DAMN IT! J: FUCK! I’m done. That’s it. I can’t>:( B: That’s another bad one. B: If we keep trying we can find more soft ones. [James groaning] A: Dude just do one more, man. J: I keep hitting the same fucking spot 🙁 Right at like my hair line. J: Where’d it go? [Trevor laughing] B: It rolled forward. [Trevor laughing] [All in hysterics] J: This is like a mental game now. [Haha, get it mental] J: Okay. Okay, okay, okay B: Yeah, yeah. There you go. There you go. There you go. [James screaming] B: Nice! T: Oh shit! L: Part of it stuck on his forehead. T: Yo take your hand away, dude. What’s going on? B: There’s a shell embedded in your forehead. [B: One more!] J: Can the two be it? Can the two be- I can’t feel like- A&T: Just fucking stop. Just stop. Just stop. T: This is sad. A: Stop. B: Nice work. J: Did we break any world records today? No? J: No, I don’t think we broke any world records today. B: We broke our personal best. J: I mean J: We can give a different record another go next time if you guys enjoyed, hopefully. J: Cut to cut the post roll, please J: Where’d it go J: Hey guys. Thanks for watching the debut of our new show. If you guys enjoy it please be sure to leave a thumbs up J: We did not break any walnut crushing world records whether it was hand or head, but next time J: Hopefully we can do something a little bit more meaningful J: And maybe something that is actually obtainable J: because we really want to get that World Records certificate J: Make sure you check out some other videos link in description for merch [L: I did it. I did it.] J: And patreon J: Ugh. Is it really red still? J: Fuck off


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *