Don’t Let Your American Flag Near Donald Trump
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Don’t Let Your American Flag Near Donald Trump


WELCOME TO THE “LATE SHOW.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. AND FOR THIS HALLOWEEN
♪ I’LL BE A TREE ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, I’M GOING TO HAVE WOOD. I DON’T KNOW IF I’M GOING TO BE
A TREE. WELL, THERE’S ONE STORY
EVERYBODY’S TALKING ABOUT: GAME ONE OF THE WORLD SERIES BETWEEN
THE CHICAGO CUBS AND THE CLEVELAND INDIANS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
COME ON! WHAT EXCITEMENT, ONE IMAGINES. BECAUSE, WE TAPE THIS SHOW IN
THE AFTERNOON, SO I DID NOT ACTUALLY SEE THE GAME. BUT AS THE HOST OF A TOPICAL
LATE NIGHT SHOW, I HAVE A MORAL OBLIGATION TO RECAP THE GAME FOR
YOU, SO HERE IT GOES. READY? HERE WE GO. TONIGHT THERE WAS INCREDIBLE
PITCHING, BUT OBVIOUSLY, HITTING A BIG PART OF IT. THE GAME WAS A LITTLE SLOW AT
ONE POINT, BUT THEN REALLY PICKED UP WHEN THINGS HAPPENED,
ESPECIALLY THAT ONE THING THEY’RE SHOWING ON THE
HIGHLIGHTsS, TONIGHT. INCREDIBLE. LOOKS AMAZING. HIGHLIGHTS. LOOK AMAZING IN SLOW MOTION,
ESPECIALLY. IT WAS AN EXCITING START TO THE
SERIES FOR THE WINNING TEAM FROM THAT MIDWESTERN CITY THAT STARTS
WITH THE LETTER “C.” THEIR FANS ARE CLEARLY PARTYING
NEAR THE LAKE TONIGHT AND, OF COURSE, THE LOSING FANS ARE
PRETTY SAD STANDING BY THE LAKE. BUT IF IT’S ANY COMFORT TO THE
LOSING TEAM’S FANS, THAT OTHER CITY’S FOOTBALL TEAM REALLY
SUCKS. SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT ARE
SUCKING, OBAMACARE. THE GOVERNMENT JUST ANNOUNCED
THAT NEXT YEAR PREMIUMS ARE GOING UP BY 25%. I HAVEN’T SEEM OBAMA HIKE
SOMETHING SO HIGH SINCE HE STOPPED WEARING MOM JEANS. ( LAUGHTER )
IT EXPLAINS WHY THE PICTURE ON THE OBAMACARE WEBSITE HAS
GONE FROM THIS… TO THIS. SO THERE IT IS. AFFORDABLE HEALTHCARE WILL JUST
NEVER WORK FOR THIS COUNTRY. INSANE MEDICAL BILLS ARE AS
AMERICAN AS HOT DOGS, APPLE PIE, AND THE $3,600 BILL TO REMOVE
THE HOT DOG LODGED IN YOUR APPLE PIE HOLE. ( APPLAUSE )
IT’S NOT THE HOLE YOU THINK. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THE NEXT PRESIDENT CLEARLY WILL HAVE TO COME IN AND CLEAN
US THIS MESS. UNLESS IT’S TRUMP, IN WHICH
CASE, ALL HEALTH CARE WILL BE REPLACED BY A “DR. OZ” EPISODE
ABOUT CALF IMPLANTS. ( APPLAUSE )
SPEAKING OF DONALD TRUMP, I’M STARTING TO WORRY ABOUT OUR
FUTURE NOT-PRESIDENT. ( LAUGHTER )
SOME WEIRD STUFF.( APPLAUSE )
SOME WEIRD STUFF HAPPENING ON
STAGE WITH HIM. YESTERDAY, HE HELD A RALLY IN
TAMPA, FLORIDA, AND YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET THE CHILDREN OUT
OF THE ROOM BECAUSE THINGS GOT PRETTY STEAMY. THERE HE IS ON STAGE, SAYING HI
TO THE CROWD, GOING OVER TO HUG ONE OF HIS LOVED ONES, AND IT’S
AN AMERICAN FLAG. YES, THAT’S RIGHT. DONALD TRUMP JUST GROPED THE
AMERICAN FLAG. ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
YOU KNOW, THEY LET YOU DO THAT IF YOU’RE A STAR. I FEEL SORRY FOR THE FLAG. FLAG HAD TO TAKE IT, BECAUSE
THOSE COLORS DON’T RUN. THIS IS TRUE. I WAS ACTUALLY WATCHING TV LAST
NIGHT. I SAW THIS WHEN IT HAPPENED. I WAS HAVING A CONVERSATION MY
WIFE, AND I SAID, WAIT. AND I HAD TO WATCH THAT THREE
TIMES LAST NIGHT TO MAKE SURE I WASN’T HAVING A
STROKE. JIM, CAN WE SEE THE MAGIC
MOMENT? WE DIDN’T MOCK THAT UP. THAT IS INSANE. HE KNOWS WE SALUTE THE FLAG IN
AMERICA, RIGHT? WE DON’T DRY HUMP IT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH! OH! WHO DOES THAT? I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO
DESCRIBE WHAT HE’S DOING. HE’S GUESSING IT A REACH-AROUND. I’M NOT SURE. THIS IS THE MOMENT IN THE MOVIE
WHERE WE FIND OUT HE’S AN ALIEN, BY THE WAY. THIS MIGHT BE THE ONLY TIME IN
HISTORY A FLAG BURNS ITSELF. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HOW MANY MORE? ONE, TWO, THREE. HOW MANY MORE? I GOT ANOTHER ONE. OKAY, ONE MORE. IT’S REALLY SURPRISING TO SEE
TRUMP GOING AFTER OLD GLORY LIKE THAT. NORMALLY, HE GOES FOR MUCH
YOUNGER GLORY. AMAZINGLY, THAT’S NOT THE
WEIRDEST STORY TO COME OUT OF A TRUMP RALLY RECENTLY. LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAID TODAY IN
FLORIDA:>>I LOVE THE SIGNS BEHIND ME,
“BLACKS FOR TRUMP.” I LIKE THOSE SIGNS. “BLACKS FOR TRUMP.” YOU WATCH. YOU WATCH.>>Stephen: WELL, WE DID WATCH. AND THAT SIGN RIGHT BEHIND HIM
IS BEING HELD BY A MIDDLE-AGED WHITE LADY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I’M SURE THERE’S AN EXPLANATION. I’M SURE THERE’S AN EXPLANATION. MAYBE HER NAME IS DORIS BLACK
AND SHE’S THERE PROUDLY REPRESENTING THE BLACK FAMILY. ALSO, WE CAN’T SEE THE BACK OF
THE SIGN. MAYBE IT SAYS “BLACKS FOR TRUMP,
MIGHT EXIST SOMEWHERE.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) SHE’S JUST LIKE WOOO! WOOO! A GIANT CREDIT CARD OR
SOMETHING. I’M NOT SURE. BUT DESPITE TRUMP’S APPEAL TO
AMERICA’S PALEST AFRICAN AMERICANS, SOME MEMBERS OF
THE G.O.P. ARE TRYING TO DISTANCE THEMSELVESES FROM
DONALD TRUMP. IN FACT, FIVE REPUBLICANS ARE
THREATENING LAWSUITS OVER TV ADS LINKING THEM TO DONALD TRUMP. YES, THE TRUMP NAME IS NOT WHAT
IT USED TO BE. IN FACT, THE TRUMP TOWER HAS
NOW CHANGED ITS NAME TO “BUILDING.” JUST A BUILDING. DOESN’T MATTER WHO BUILT ME. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO BUILT ME. COME IN HERE! AND I DON’T BLAME REPUBLICANS
FOR BEING UPSET. TAKE THE CASE OF FLORIDA
CONGRESSMAN AND THE FRIENDLIEST NAME FOR A PIRATE, DAVID JOLLY. WE’RE GOING TO CANDY ISLAND. ONE IMAGINES A PIRATE WITH THAT
NAME WOULD SAY. DEMOCRATS COULDN’T FIND ANY
PHOTOS TYING JOLLY TO TRUMP, SO THEY JUST PHOTOSHOPPED TRUMP
WITH HIS ARM AROUND JOLLY. THAT IS NOT FAIR, DEMOCRATS. WITH PHOTOSHOP, YOU CAN MAKE
ANYONE SEEM LIKE FRIENDS, EVEN HILLARY AND BILL CLINTON. ( APPLAUSE )
AND IF YOU’RE GONG TO PHOTOSHOP SOMEONE, AT LEAST MAKE IT
INTERESTING. MAKE IT A THREE-WAY WITH TRUMP,
JOLLY, AND AMERICAN FLAG. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JOLLY IS CUT. THAT GUY IS CUT. VERY FIT. POINT IS, DEMOCRATS ARE DRAGGING
EVERYONE INTO THIS ELECTION, EVEN ME. YES, THIS IS GOOD. BECAUSE TODAY, WE AT THE “LATE
SHOW” FOUND OUT WE’RE A WIKILEAK! YUP. YEAH. I’M HAPPY ABOUT IT, TOO. AS YOU KNOW, WIKILEAKS HAS BEEN
RELEASING EMAILS FROM THE CLINTON CAMPAIGN, BECAUSE
THEY’RE COMMITTED TO TRANSPARENCY– OR HOWEVER YOU
SAY “TRANSPARENCY” IN RUSSIAN. ( RUSSIAN ACCENT )
TRANSPARENCHNIK. ( LAUGHTER )
TRANSPARENCHNIK. WELL, JULIEN ASSANGE JUST
PINCHED OUT ANOTHER WIKI-DUMP, AND IT INCLUDED A CLINTON
CAMPAIGN EMAIL FROM LAST YEAR, WHEN I HAD VICE PRESIDENT JOE
BIDEN ON MY SHOW. TEAM CLINTON WAS VERY SUSPICIOUS
THAT BIDEN WAS GOING TO MAKE A MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT. ONE CLINTON STAFFER WROTE, “MY
PREDICTION: BIDEN ANNOUNCES HIS RUN ON STEPHEN COLBERT’S SHOW. I DON’T THINK HE’D TAKE HIM
UNLESS HE WAS MAKING NEWS.” YEAH, YOU GOT ME THERE. YOU GOT ME THERE. WHY WOULD I TALK TO THE VICE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES UNLESS HE WAS MAKING NEWS? OTHERWISE, YOU’RE JUST STUCK IN
A BORING CONVERSATION WITH JOE BIDEN. AND THEY WERE SCARED OF BIDEN
RUNNING. ANOTHER CLINTON STAFFER
RESPONDED, “LORD, HAVE MERCY.” AND THE LORD DID HAVE MERCY ON
CLINTON. NOT ONLY DID BIDEN NOT RUN, BUT
LO, GOD HATH GRANTED US A TRUMP. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. WILL FORTE IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I WILL GO
LIVE TO AMISH COUNTRY AND ASK WHY THEY’RE WILLING TO BE ON TV. SO STICK AROUND.

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