[ Cheers and applause ] My ex-girlfriend was white. And the thing is, like, uh,
I’m from Boston, and her family likes to go
to Jersey Shore every year. Jersey Shore is a beach. They go to the beach every year.
This is their thing. This is the big getaway
every year. And I thought it was
gonna be fun. I was like, “Jersey Shore —
it’s gonna be a party. Unh-unh.”
No. They wake up at 6:00
every morning and they drag out everything
out of this house where we were staying —
couches, chairs, cans of food,
sandwiches, books, ottomans. Her mom was like,
“You got a book? You’re gonna need a book.
You got a book? You’re gonna need a book, honey. You got a book?
You should bring a book, Corey. You need a book.
You got a book? You’re gonna need a –”
I said, “Why do I need a book?” She said, “Because
we’re gonna be here all day.” I had no idea they were all
just gonna sit on the beach and just cook in the sun
like little rotisserie chickens. They just kept cooking. And I’m sitting there
and I’m like, “Yo, this is crazy,
right?” And I just looked down,
her mom was like, “Are you having a good time?” And I was like, “Yeah,
I’m having a good time.” But I wasn’t.
I wanted to be like, “What do you want me to do,
lay on my back and tan the bottoms
of my hands and my feet? I’m tan already! How long are y’all gonna
stay here?!” By the third or fourth day, her dad’s always peeling
from his forehead, he’s peeling from his nose. He’s like, “I don’t know how
I got burned this year.” I said, “Really, you don’t know
how you got burned? Did the sun trick you this year? Is that what happened? Was it hiding behind the moon, and then it just
popped out like, ‘Burn, baby, burn!’ What are you talking about?” Like, it’s always
some stupid stuff. Her brother always says
stuff to me like, “Look at me.
I’m almost as dark as you. I’m as dark as you.”
“You’re as dark as me? You know how scared
you would be? As a white dude, if you woke up
one morning, and just the left side
of your face looked like me, you’d be like,
I’m turning into a panda! Aah!’
You’d be so scared. Little pasty arm
next to my arm. Get out of here.” I was trying to put on
some sunscreen. I was like,
“Yo, give me the 50.” I asked my girl for the 50.
Her brother started laughing. He was like,
“Why are you putting that on?” “So, why are you laughing?” He said, “‘Cause you
don’t need it.” I said, “What you mean,
I don’t need it?” He said, “You don’t need it.” I said, “Why you saying
I don’t need it?” He said, “‘Cause you’re black.”
I said, “I do need it!” He’s like, “I learned
that you don’t need it.” I said, “You learned
that I don’t need it?” He’s like, “Bro, I’m not
trying to be racist. I didn’t just think
you needed sunscreen.” And I was like, “I need sunscreen.”
He’s like, “Why?” I said, “‘Cause I’m made
out of meat! That’s why.
What do you mean, ‘Why?'” He’s like, “Aw,
that’s messed up. I’m not trying to be racist,
whatever. I didn’t think you needed it.” You know what’s messed up?
As I look at some of your faces, I feel like you’re looking
at me like, ‘I didn’t think
you needed it, either.’ That’s a problem! Black people need sunscreen! What do you think happened
to Morgan Freeman’s face?! All those chocolate chips
on his face — that’s from the sun!” [ Laughter ]