[Hidden Block music] [Intro] I’ve not seen such bravery. In 2011, Matt Damon bought a zoo. Now, that brings his total number of zoos up to one, while my total number of zoos is still zero. Now, using some complicated math, we can arrive to the conclusion that that– [pause] — is total bullshit. But the day I let Matt Damon beat me is the day that I die, so I guess it’s time to buy a zoo. But, wait! That would just make me as good as Matt Damon. I wanna be better than him! So let’s… build a zoo No! Wait. We can do better. What’s better than a zoo full of animals? How about a zoo full of people? [quietly] Is that insensitive? [Normally] There are five Prison Tycoon games, and I picked the one right in the middle because… why not, right? Prison Tycoon 3 was released in 2007, and was developed by Virtual Playground who made– Uh……… This? Thing? [Stereotypical Music] And it was published by company called ValuSoft, which sounds like some kind of Walmart-brand pillow. When you first boot up the game. You’re greeted by these three… lovely people. This guy is kind of creeping me out. Which is unfortunate because he’s also hanging out down here. At the main menu, we’re given the teeny-tiny options of: free play mode, challenge mode, load game, and quit. I guess we’ll take a ride on the magic prison bus to free play mode and– Jesus Christ! If he clenched his teeth any harder, he’d bite right through his jaw! [In-game alarm & music] [Ian] Wow. Y’know, normally I would bash these graphics because of how awful and barren everything looks. But this is a prison game and a lot of prisons are just out in the middle of nowhere. In fact, Prison Tycoon 3 might actually provide more exciting environments than actual prisons! I mean… this thing looks kind of fun. I guess? [Stereotypical music] So a helicopter flies in and lands, and I’m… not quite sure what to do here. There’s no instruction given, so the only way to figure out how the game works is through trial and error. Looks like this here is the “build” button and my prison is in need of some buildings since right now all it consists of is this gate here without a fence. Which would be fantastic right now, if we were working on a jail that ran on the honor system Alright, prisoners need a place to sleep, I guess, so we can build some dormitories I still can’t figure out how to build fences, though, so these two guard towers will have to do [Sarcastically] I’ll put a building here and put a building here because, yeah, I totally know what I’m doing Oh, and I got to build some small amenities because… [laugh] I mean, how else are prisoners going to survive without amenities?
[Jackpot sound effect] [Dramatic] And as the buildings rise from the depths of hell, the construction of the hell prison is complete. Only I still don’t know how to build fences, so it’s more like Satan’s Honor-System Hell Prison… from Hell! [Normally] So, now I’m wondering how I actually get prisoners to show up at my prison. I mean, I’ve got a pretty badass prison here if I do say so myself. There’s guard towers, and dormitories, and this building, and small amenities!
[Jackpot sound effect] And it looks like we’ve got our first five prisoners. Don’t ask me how because I have no idea. There’s Sean Richardson, arrested for jaywalking. Winston White, arrested for reckless widow’s peak. Delroy Crisp, arrested for having a name that just sounds like the name of a bank robber. And the notorious loiterers, Winston Begum and Andrew Andrews, who look eerily the same. [laughing] Wait, Andrew Andrews? What kind of cruel parents names their kid Andrew Andrews? [Fast] My apologies to anyone out there named Andrew Andrews. It turns out that prison is a lot like summer camp. Everyone walks into the cabin and lays in a bunk to claim it. Then they just kind of sit around and talk. Looks like they’re actually having a pretty good time– [In-game alarm] Oh, shit! We got a runner boys! Yeah, that’s right. And they said we couldn’t run a prison without fences! Now he’s locked back in his room where he’ll never– [In-game alarm] Holy hell. Well there he goes. Nothing I can do about it now. He never even gave my prison a chance. For all he knows, Satan’s Honor-System Hell Prison from Hell could have been a pretty good time. But, even with our loss, life at the prison slowly returns to normal. The prisoners are getting assigned some fun arts-and-crafts-like activities such as… chain gang, to hopefully reshape them into respectable young men when they leave camp. I mean “prison”. These guys really don’t seem like they want to leave their room, though. I mean, I know these beds are comfortable, boys, but this is prison! It’s a time to try new things and enjoy life! We’ve got amenities here, for God’s sake!
[Jackpot sound effect] [In-game alarm] Ah, son of a bitch! Well, what if I just made a line of guard towers here? [Alarm] Ugh, you’ve gotta be kidding me! Please! Please just stay for like five seconds and I’ll– [Alarm] Damn! Well, every single one of my prisoners escaped, and I got game over. Rightly so. I mean, I did just release five criminals back into the world. But wait, that’s not why I lost! I lost because, apparently, I ran out of money? I didn’t even know money was a factor in this game! Well, that was enough training. I’m probably ready for a challenge mode level, right? So challenge one is– goddamn, why is all the text in this game so fuckin’ small? They’ve got all this space here for text, but they’re just like, “Y’know it looks good and all, but let’s just go with this.” Anyway, the challenge is to have ten prisoners in a prison at the end of three years. Now, I’m not really a prison genius or anything, but 10 prisoners sounds like a pretty low bar to set for a prison. I think I’ll be able to handle it. Agh! God… Dammit! Hey, look! Our prison already has a fence! In honor of this incredible news, we’ll call this prison “Fence Land” Visit Fence Land for the soft beds and the scenic guard towers! Our brand new amenities include: a spacious small TV room, a giant small chapel, a huge small gym, and a fully loaded small game room. We also have a brand new cafeteria housed inside a brand new fence because we finally figured out how to build fences. Fence Land: come because the judge said so, don’t escape because of the fence. Looks like our six prisoners arrived safely and, after lounging in bed for a little while they all waddle towards the amenities building It looks like they all really… really liked the gym. Like, they are fucking obsessed with the gym. They keep leaving it for a second then going back like, “Wow! You know what I like to do after a long workout? Another workout!” “Yeeeaaah!!” [Happy music] This is actually kind of ridiculous! I’ve got the game speed as high as it will go, and this is all they want to do. At one point, one of the prisoners went back to their dorm to rest, only to have a guard force him to go back to the gym! [distant] “You go back and work out right now!” [distant] “Fine, man. I was just going back to the gym anyway.” [Normally] And even when they’re not working out, they’re THINKING about working out. Talking about working out, praying about working out, watching workout videos. The list never ends! Look at the way these guys are walking. They have barely left the gym since they got here And they’re walking like they’re either starving or they just got too much swaaaag. [Serious sound effect] [Ian] Uhh. Okay? So, it turns out that when I put in the gate to the cafeteria, I never actually opened it. That would kind of explain why everyone is walking around looking like their stomach is actually trying to eat itself. It only takes a few moments after opening the gate for someone to come limping over for food But you will get no food! Nah, alright. Come on and get something to eat, you crazy criminals! But if I’m paying to feed you then I’m no longer going to pay for the gym. That’s right. What are you gonna do without your precious gym? Aw, you son of a bitch! Okay, you know what? I’m revoking eating privileges, too! Get the fuck back to your dorms. Oh, so you’re just gonna lay there now? Well no more doors for you! What are you gonna do now? [Angry] Socializing? Not in my prison, you aren’t! A fence here and a fence here, and it looks like everything is set up to play America’s favourite game show: Which! Prisoner! Lives! Contestant #1 is Vincent Smith, a lively 62 year old from Morris, Connecticut. He’s here on a charge of resisting arrest after attempting to steal a bag of Werther’s. He’s known for his trademark catchphrase: “I want a Werther’s.” Contestant #2 is Andrew Miller, a 32 year old visiting from Addison, Alabama where he got arrested for being too fly for a white guy, a charge he claims is– and I quote– “Bullshit.” Contestant #3 is 46 year old Patrick Smith, a shoplifter from Barden, Tennessee. His interests include going to the gym, and… thats it. Contestant #4 is Homer Wo– Wo-joey– Wo-how-ick-zuh? Fuck that last name, I hope he loses. And the game has begun The objective of this game is simple, of course. Be the last prisoner alive It looks like Vincent ended up getting the random police officer, which could be a problem if Vincent wants to break into a rendition of “Fuck the Police” A few hours in, and it looks like all of our contestants have the same strategy. Instead of sitting down and conserving their energy, they’re just kind of… wandering around. Their physical states seem to be ranging from “starving to death” to “straight-up gangsta”. Oh my! It looks like Patrick Smith is climbing the fence! If he sets foot on the other side, that’s an automatic disqualification. [Buzzer] Well, looks like Patrick has been disqualified, leaving us with just three contestants. It appears to both, Andrew Miller and Homer [Garbled last name] are crawling on the ground in an apparent attempt to cut down on their wind resistance. This would be a fantastic strategy if they were running a race in which they weren’t allowed to use their legs. [Pitched down] Unfortunately, it doesn’t provide any advantage in this particular game. [Buzzer]
[Normal voice] Homer is out! I repeat, Homer is out! That’s right, folks. We’re down to only two contestants, and it looks like Vincent might– [Buzzer] Yes, he’s done it! Vincent is the winner of this week’s game. Tell him what he’s won, Bob! Nothing! So suck on that, Matt Damon! [Pitched down & slowed] So suck on that, Matt Da– Hello, and welcome to my horrible outro card. Please pardon its ugly appearance. It is in a transition phase. Thank you for watching, and if you enjoyed this video you might also enjoy my Bad Rats video, or my video on Let’s Explore the Airport. You should also check out my Twitter, where I say funny things like this. And I have a Facebook as well So visit those and I’ll be, uh, seein’ you later. You know what I mean? Uh, I Don’t know what I mean