Season 15, Episode 5 – Previously On | Red vs. Blue
Articles,  Blog

Season 15, Episode 5 – Previously On | Red vs. Blue

[Trocadero music] Dylan: Hello? Somebody! Anybody! Sarge (off-screen): Move it, move it! Dylan: Hey, slow down, I need to get- Sarge: No can do! I’m late for battle! Dylan: Was that… Sarge? Simmons: [inaudible nonsense] Dylan: AND Simmons? Tucker: Yo, Grif! What about the Blue Goo Dolls? Grif: NO! Red Zeppelin! Tucker: The Blue Fighters! Grif: Uh, The Grateful Red! Tucker: Oh, God no! Screw you! Dylan: You’re Grif! Grif, can you help us? Grif: [hysterical laughter] Who the hell are you? Dylan: Dylan Andrews, Interstellar- Grif: Whoa, hold up! I JUST realized how much I don’t care. Dylan: The- Captain Caboose. He fell off a cliff. I think he’s dead. Grif: Whoa, you killed Caboose? Good job! Can you kill Sarge next? [gasps] OOH! Wait, no! DONUT, then Sarge! Simmons: I haven’t been this hyper since that time I had a margarita! Donut (off-screen): Anyone seen my tanning oil! Grif: Jesus, Donut, we have guests! Put some clothes on for Pete’s sake! Tucker (off-screen): Oh, Blue-Tang Clan! Grif: The Red Kennedy! Sarge (off-screen): Suck it Newton! *explosion* Jax: Whoa-oa! Pyrotechnics! Sarge: Damn. Foiled again. Dylan: Listen, everyone! I have no idea what the FUCK you’re all doing, but you need to know your man Caboose is terribly injured, and possibly dead. Caboose (off-screen): Oh, no! Not Caboose! We need to go rescue him! Dylan: You- You’re okay?… Caboose: Oh, yeah… You know, I fell down and stuff, but you know, I landed on my head, and that’s okay cause that’s the part that’s most used to it, So, yeah, I’m fine, things are good now. Yeah, I’m gonna go lay down. Wash (off-screen): Now would be a great time to start explaining yourself, ma’am. Carolina: You can start with who you are, and what you’re doing here. Dylan: Washington and Carolina? You’re alive! Wash: Don’t sound so surprised. I believe Carolina asked some questions, ma’am. Dylan: Of course, Dylan Andrews, Interstellar Daily. I’m doing a story about the attacks perpetrated by the Reds and Blues since Chorus. Tucker: Attacks? Dylan: And the disappearances of the ex Freelancer agents as well. Carolina: Which Freelancers are missing? Dylan: All of them. Look, I’ve been searching for you for a VERY long time. Carolina: Well, congratulations, Ms. Andrews. You found us. [guitar riff] Washington: Why don’t we start with these attacks? Dylan: No. We came halfway across the galaxy. sacrificed our careers, and risked both life and limb for answers. So we start with my questions? Or we walk. Washington: What exactly do you want to know? Dylan: Simple. What have you all been doing since Chorus? Grif: Ugh… Lots of bullshit. I don’t even know where to start. Tucker: Before or after the temple? If it’s before, this is going to get NSFW real quick. Dylan: Temple? Tucker: Oh yeah! After we captured Hargrove, We partied fucking hard! See, Chorus has this alien relic called the Temple of Procreation. That, when activated, makes- Grimmons (Grif and Simmons): We said we wouldn’t talk about that! Sarge: It was like a planet-wide aphrodisiac! Things got REAL Bohemian. Tucker: Yeah, you all keep saying that. But everything felt normal to me. Washington: Surprising no one. Simmons: Can w- Can we change the subject? Caboose: Oh, they’re just upset cause they got locked in a storage closet during the whole thing. Grif: THE SUBJECT. CHANGE IT. Wash: To actually answer your question, After the war on Chorus, We decided that we were due some time off. Tucker: We’ve earned some R&R. Even Carolina agreed. Carolina: I thought I’d give the simple life a day in court. Grif: No more adventures? Hell yeah I was on board! Simmons: Kimball set us up on this isolated moon. And she built us the most awesome new bases, EVER. Tuck: Everyone adjusted to the peace and quiet different. Some of us were naturals- Grif: Don’t hate the player. Simmons: Sarge got hopelessly depressed after not dying heroically on Chorus. Sarge: HOGWASH! BASELESS SLANDER! Simmons: But you said: Sarge (Flashback): I am hopelessly depressed after not dying heroically on Chorus! We need a new enemy, something to fight! Where are y’all going? Tucker: Sarge wasn’t the only one having a hard time adjusting to inaction. Carolina: What? Wash: Fortunately, we found a tutor. Carolina (Flashback): Help me, Grif. Help me be the best at being lazy. Grif: …You’re not ready, padawan… Carolina: I can try! Grif: No… There is no try… Tucker: The peaceful times didn’t last too long. Turns out this planet has some native life forms. Simmons: AHHHH RUNNN!!!! Grif: I CAN’T DIE OF FOOD, OHHH HOOO THE IRONY!!!!! Carolina: While everyone debated if dying as food was technically ironic, Caboose went and made friends with the dinosaurs. Grif: Because of course he did. Caboose (off-screen) Awww, who’s a good boy! Awww, you are a good boy! Tucker: CABOOSE get down! Sarge: Tell him to fight me! Grif: And then DONUT somehow managed to burn down our bases! Donut: Whoopsie-daisy! Grif: Ah ha, why, why, oh why? Donut (off-screen): I told you, it was a simple mishap with my vanilla satin-scented candles. Sheesh. Tucker (off-screen): Donut, clothes! Donut (off-screen): Party pooper! Jax: Why is he naked? Dylan: That’s your first question? Simmons: We lost eighty percent of our rations in the fire, so FAT-ASS over here started going around and eating native plants. Grif (Flashback): Oh, hey there sexy. Simmons: Oh, and as it turns out, the mushrooms are basically crystal meth ON crystal meth. Grif: Hey ho how are you doing? Good? Okay. I’m gonna go for a run. A lot of people say I’m not fast, but I’m super fast. Don’t tell anyone though, that’s our secret. Okay, bye. Grif: Yeah? Well at least I didn’t spend my summer learning Esperanto. Simmons: I thought Esperanto was Spanish for Spanish. Tucker: And now you’re the only one in the universe who speaks a dead language. How appropriate! Simmons: “Ĝi estas tiel sole” (I am so alone) Caboose: And Freckles got a new body! He can use any bathroom he wants now! Freckles: Prepare to be exterminated! Caboose: Ahhh! Tucker! You’re supposed to be playing dead. Tucker: Riiight. Tucker: That’s right around when we tried to raise some money for new bases by selling off our movie rights. Grif: Hollywood really screwed the pooch on that one. Simmons: Aww, we were rich! Grif: And then we realized water parks are WAY more awesome than bases. Carolina: So we build the galaxy’s greatest… Water park. All: Yay! Carolina: Yay. Grif: AND THEN DONUT- Donut: Whoopsie-Daisy! Grif: I MEAN, HOW DO YOU BURN DOWN A WATER PARK DONUT? Donut: One, lube isn’t normally flammable. And B, I didn’t burn down the whole water park, just the park part. Caboose: And then we formed the best band ever! Washington: Tucker thought it might attract… Chicks. Tucker: Which worked. Grif: The Talking Reds. Tucker: Motley Blue! Grif: How about, Red Mau5? Carolina: Hey. I heard you boys are looking for a singer. Tucker: Uh, yeah! Chick singers are awesome! Grif: Can you sing though? Carolina: Can I sing? Tucker (sarcastic): Carolina sings… So good. Carolina: Thank you. Simmons (sarcastic): Oh, and we’re definitely not just saying that because she could kill us. Grif (forced): So… Good. Simmons: Sarge decided to make his own enemy, so he built an evil robot army to invade our valley! Tucker: But the robots malfunctioned, and attacked the dinosaurs! *gunfire, explosions, dinosaur roars* Washington: I have seen some amazing things in my life, but this? *giant explosion* This takes the cake. Carolina (almost laughter): And then, Grif convinced Simmons Game of Thrones really happened. Simmons: Nu-uh. Grif: Uh-huh. Simmons: Oh c- shut up. Grif: Seriously, dude! Simmons: Na, na, no way! Grif: Yeah, way. Simmons: Dude. *come on* Grif: Dude. *really* Simmons: Dude. *oh come on* Grif: Dude. *seriously* Simmons: Dude. *seriously?* Grif: Yeah, dude. Simmons: That’s awesome! Man, I’m gonna go visit! Simmons: Sarge found a new enemy. One that would keep him busy for the rest of our time here. Sarge: (Flashback) For far too long, our people have been oppressed, crushed under the weight of ourselves! If we don’t start standing up to our mortal foe GRAVITY, by God who will? Carolina: Are we really going to let this play out? Washington: Why not see where it goes? Sarge: Buckle-up friendo, it’s time we take this fight to the enemy. Sarge: Chaaaaarrrrr- Simmons: But that just meant Blue Team had one more jeep than Red Team. Sarge: Gentlemen, we simply cannot let Blue Team have tactical superiority over the canyon! This means war. Red… Versus… Blue! Tucker: That helped us realize just how outdated this whole Red Team-Blue Team thing really is. Simmons: So, we had a meeting to debate a new form of government. Grif: I vote anarchy. Simmons: You can’t vote anarchy, you dumbass. Tucker: Monarchy! Whoever holds the magical sword, Excalibur! Caboose: Party paryarchy! Sarge: Military dictatorship! Carolina: Matriarchy. Caboose: Oh! How about malarkey! Simmons: Caboose, that’s not a type of government, it just means meaningless talk and nonsense. Washington: Malarkey won. Caboose: Ah, you haven’t mentioned the dark place. Tucker: Oh yeah! Somehow, Caboose got stuck in another dimension. Caboose (echoes): Hello? Anyone there? This is awesome! Washington: Neat. He just keeps saying neat. Tucker: Oh, and we found Donut dead! Grif: Sweet. Grif (off-screen): We decided to bury him in a shallow, unmarked grave. Donut (off-screen): Aw, fiddlesticks! I can’t find my suit! Grif: Turns out, he was just… skinny dipping. Donut (off-screen): Guess I’m going O-natural! Nice and breezy! Simmons: AHH, RUN! Grif: AH, THE IRONY! Carolina: But that wasn’t even the weirdest thing that happened! Wash. Grew. A beard. Washington: It’s kinda… Itchy. Tucker: And then this morning, Grif spiked Simmons’ couscous with his methmeth shrooms! Grif: You know. For the lols. Simmons: I haven’t been this hyper since that time I had a margarita! Donut (off-screen): Anyone seen my tanning oil? Grif: Jesus, Donut! We have guests! Put some clothes on for Pete’s sake! Tucker: Oh, Blue-Tang Clan! Grif: The Red Kennedy! Sarge (off-screen): Suck it, Newton! Grif: It’s been awful. Instead of a peaceful retirement, it’s been the SAME damn shit, with the SAME damn idiots. Dylan: You got all that, right? Jax: Yeah. Definitely. Dylan: Well, it certainly sounds like you’ve been busy. Still, my records of your actions on Chorus end when you entered the Staff of Charon, I would love to know what happened next. Carolina: That’s… A sensitive question. We lost a friend that day. Caboose: I miss Church. Dylan: You mean the Epsilon AI? Tucker: No, he means Church. Washington: He gave everything to save us. Wasn’t the first time, either. Tucker: It was so awesome for a while there! He powered up my suit and I was like Neo in the goddamn Matrix! I was juggling these two guns and the sword, and dodging bullets, it was so fucking amazing! And then it was all over. And… He was gone. The suit was useless. Empty. But, y’know. We won. Dylan: I’m sorry. Washington: So, that’s our story. What’s yours? Dylan: Like I said outside. While you’ve been here, a group of people that look a lot like you have been going around stealing, hijacking, and robbing the UNSC. While looking into that, I discovered that nearly every former Freelancer has vanished. Washington: That’s… Alarming. Carolina: That’s an understatement. Dylan: And to top it off, most people think those imposters are working for Chorus. The UNSC is about ready to invade as a result. Grif: Is that why Kimball sent you? So that we can deal with them? Simmons: Yeah, she should know we’re retired. Dylan: She actually sent me to deliver a message. She was pretty vague about it. Washington: Who’s it from? Dylan: She didn’t say. Church: [Static] This is Church. or Alpha If you’re getting this It’s an Emergency [Unknown Noise] Send Help Please! Send Help! [Message Ends] Grif: God fucking damnit. [Outro Music- Trocadero: Roses are Red, Violets are Blue]


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *